Ransom Note Found On Porch Of NCL Worldwide Headquarters : Nelly May Is Missing

Nellysford
Nelson County, Virginia

Early Monday morning we found a rather suspicious note in a jar on the front porch of NCL Headquarters here in Nelson County. We are obviously very concerned for the safe return of Nelly May. She’s the famous cow you see each season at The Nelson Farmers Market Coop in Nellysford. Though smarter than the average bovine, we fear she may be out of her league.

Here’s the ransom note left on our porch. We have published it verbatim:

We have taken the cow you call “Nelly May” to protest the failure of recognizing bears in the area. Bears were in the valley long before cows ever were. Yet they are the ones getting all the attention at the market and in the news, and what are they even good for? How many cow role models do you see in the U.S.? One. That darn Chick-Fil-A cow. And he can’t even spell. Now think of all the bears. There’s Smokey, Yogi, Winnie, Paddington, and even the Bernstein Bears. All teaching valuable life lessons.

We want equal rights and equal media attention. We are the high profile celebrities in these parts. Our infrequent appearances are much more exciting than any old cow.

Our stipulations are as follows:

We want bird feeders back – Why punish the birds with malnourishment? They never did anything to you.

No more locks on the dumpsters – You don’t see cow proof dumpsters anywhere, do you?

We want “Bear Crossing” signs posted – Everyone always thinks about the deer, but what about us? Don’t we deserve the right to cross the road safely?

Take down the “Do not feed the bear” signs – Why single us out like that? Do you think we don’t see what’s going on? Just because smell is our principle sense doesn’t mean we can’t see and read the signs you post about us.

Give us what we’re asking for and only then will you see your precious Nelly May again.
Signed,
The Bear Brigade